Bad Days

In this wonderful journey of infertility, I would say I have good days and I have bad days. or maybe its bad days and better days. Today was a very very bad day.
  I have it in my head that I am suppose to be the "shinning example" of someone who is struggling with this. By that I mean, I feel like I need to show that I am hopeful, have faith and a positive attitude. Maybe I succeed in coming across that way, maybe I don't. But the truth is...most of the time I feel like I don't have any hope, like my faith isn't strong enough. I had a complete meltdown.
  I read on a infertility blog that infertility makes you feel selfish. and lonely. and sad. and empty. (http://withgreatexpectation.com/infertility/thirteen-words-that-describe-my-experience-with-infertility/)
I went through all those . And that was just from the time I got home from work.and I will add....angry. Angry because....this isn't how life is suppose to go. Empty because I just feel like there is a whole in my heart. One that is bigger with every negative test I take. Selfish because when finding out a close friend is pregnant, a friend who also has some issues where she thought she would have trouble conceiving, but got pregnant fairly quickly, instead of being overwhelmed with excitement for her, I felt betrayed in a way (not by her, necessarily, just a general feeling of betrayal)...and worst of all...Lonely. no longer was she to be my support. Yes, I know she will be there for me no matter what. But she won't know the pain I have to deal with. So yes. I feel incredibly  selfish. and guilty for all these feelings. I NEVER in a million years would wish my friend to have to go through infertility and infertility treatments.
   Right now I am in another waiting period. This time to start the "Next Step." injections. I can't begin to tell you how scared I am. I am going to have to give myself shots. multiple shots. i hate shots. But I think Jared hates them more and couldn't stand the idea of doing them. so I will. this could be fun. I am realizing after today that I need as much support as I can get. So, if anyone out there is reading this, please, if it doesn't make you uncomfortable, ask me how I am doing now and then. I know its a touchy subject, and other people dealing with it may feel completely different and not want to talk about it at all. But I need to know that Jared and I aren't in this alone, that other people are rooting for us. I promise you I won't give you any unwanted details...cuz you really don't want to hear those.. Besides...its the emotional stuff that I need the most help with. I have wonderful doctors taking care of the rest of that stuff.
Thanks for letting me vent. Tomorrow I am hoping for a better day.

Driving myself crazy

Never have 2 weeks felt so long. I think I might be losing my mind.

This month, we did an IUI. (basically artificial insemination). We were told this makes our chances of getting pregnant much higher. But it is not a guarantee. We have to wait two weeks to test to see if it worked. Its torture. Seriously.

But let me back up.  This whole ride has given me a crash course in Female anatomy (never mind that I took Women's biology at college). I am learning more then ever, because I am learning what happens when the body doesn't work the way it should.

In March I did a dye test to make sure my tubes were clear. Right one, check, all is good. Left side...not so much. Not sure why, or what is causing the blockage, but its there. So basically, I will only get pregnant when I ovulate on the right side/and lucky me...i ovulated on the left that month. Sigh. Big disappointment. But what could I do. Wait. I hate waiting.

April comes around, I do a round of clomid. Head to the DR and, good news, I am ovulating on the right. But there is only one follicle. It only takes one I  know, but I have a feeling my Dr was hoping for more then one to increase my chances of the IUI working. But she scheduled us for the following day for the IUI. I was beside my self all day.

After it was completed, i was told to test in two weeks. So...here we are. in the middle of it. and I am going CRAZY. 

I am over analyzing everything my body is doing. if I feel a cramp, I am freaking out...but it could be a sign of pregnancy or a sign of PMS. HOW IS A GIRL SUPPOSE TO DEAL WITH THAT! And there is way too much information on the internet. I have to force myself not to Google ever "symptom" that I have. Because basically, it could go either way. 

2 weeks doesn't seem that long. Until you are waiting to take a pregnancy test. Then...it feels like a life time. 

Struggling to hope

William Dyce, The Meeting of Jacob and Rachel

I’m not sure if it’s just because of the name connection, but I have always felt a kinship with Rachel from the Bible. I find that her story is one to which I can relate.  

I remember a time when I was having a particularly hard time at school and my home teachers shared a message, and in the message they quoted the first part of Gen 30:22 “And God remembered Rachel.” Those words hit me with greater force than anything else had up to that point. I needed that reminder that God knew me and knew my name.  I mean of all the verses in the scriptures about how the Lord knows his children, they used the one with my name. It was powerful. And I began to study the story of Rachel and have felt a deep connection with her.  While her story is brief in the scriptures, I could imagine the life that she led and almost feel what she must have felt.

At the time I was single and longed for being able to get married and have a family. Rachel waited SEVEN years for Jacob. To me, that showed great faith and patience.  It helped in the way that I approached life as a “young single adult” and later as a “mid –single adult.”  When she finally married Jacob, I imagine that her joy was just as great as mine the day I was married to Jared (Our husbands names are even kind of similar!)

Now, I find another connection. Something that I never wanted to feel. Something that breaks my heart just as surely as it broke hers. Rachel called this her “Reproach.” Mine has the name of PCOS.  I found out a few months ago that I have PCOS, and this makes it more difficult to get pregnant. We had been trying to get pregnant for about 7 months prior to this diagnosis. I have been taking meds and getting shots for the past couple months in hopes to have a child. So far the results have been negative.  Every time I get that negative, my heart breaks.  I am constantly surrounded by people who either have babies or are pregnant. Sometimes I feel like Rachel. “And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.” I know that sounds dramatic “or else I die.” That’s what I thought when I read that years ago. But honestly, that’s what it feels like…like a little piece of me has died. Or a big piece.

Rachel’s life does give me hope. I see how she dealt with her pain and hope that I can cope as she did. While I will NOT be giving Jared another wife, I will, like Rachel try to find joy in the children around me. I get to teach some awesome young kids in primary. And still have a fun interaction with some of the kids I used to watch in Nursery.  And I will try to find patience through this trial. I’ll probably fail from time to time. Or a lot. But I will continue to try. It doesn't say how many years Rachel waited to have Joseph, her oldest son. But with all the children born to Jacob, I can imagine it was several years.   I imagine she lost hope and patience from time to time. But in the end her patience and her faith was rewarded.

As I was dealing with yet another disappointing day today, I reread the scripture that hit me so hard all those years ago. But I read the whole verse and the next one as well: “And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb. And she conceived, and bare a son; and said, God hath taken away my reproach.”

As I try to navigate through this trial, I try to remember that God knows me by name. And hope to have the faith that at some point, in some way, God will “hearken” to my prayers.  Rachel’s story has always been an inspiration to me. And now, it’s what is giving me hope.

Jared: the courtship

I realize I haven't posted in about a year...but it's been a busy year for me. So the next couple of posts will be an update.

First off, I'd like to introduce Jared, my husband. He is pretty amazing. We met about a year and a half ago, doing one of my favorite things...volleyball.  We played together for a few months before I figured out his name. He has a ridiculous amount of nicknames. About a year ago, while playing volleyball, Jared was setting me. As I went to hit I felt something tear in my leg. Jared felt bad, though it really wasn't his fault. I told him that but said if he wanted to make up for it, ice cream was always welcome. He asked me what flavor, then that was the end of it...or so I thought. About a week later he a lot me ice cream for our first date. Well kind of first date. We just watched a movie at his place. It was a lot of fun and we laughed a lot. But we both agree that our date about a week later was a better first date...so that's what we go with. That date was when I could walk better. He took me to dinner, then we went down town to see the Christmas list and take a stroll down by the Missouri River. Very sweet and romantic. After that, I fell pretty fast for him. He was very sweet, kind  and funny. He had a way of be bringing a smile to my face. We had a lot in common...even though he is a pc while I am a Mac...and it was fun getting to know him. It only took a few weeks to know I was head over heals for him. I am so grateful he returned the feelings.

The Byers Grace

....or lack thereof.
Yesterday I fell victim to my family's curse. Again.
What's the curse you may ask? Well, Byers tend to be--clumsy. We trip over lines (that are obviously painted too thick). Because we often (though not all of us) enjoy sports we tend to end up with bad ankles, knees and whatever else might get hurt.  Case in point. When I was in high school, I played on the volleyball team. I was up to serve and when I came back on the court after my serve I tripped. Not a face-plant trip, but more of a stumbling trip. Very graceful. The best part? In a full gym I distinctly heard my dad laugh.

Well last night, I got reminded of the Byers curse. Playing volleyball, of course, I did something to my calf. Sad thing is a few years ago I did the same thing to the other calf. It sucked then and so I am not looking forward to the recovery of this one. Last time they said it was the soleus muscle. That pretty much means nothing to me, except that it HURTS like crazy. The worst part about it--I HEARD it tear, or strain or whatever it did as I feel to the ground. So not graceful, but not sure if I could have done anything to change it.

AUNT RACHEL

This morning (and i use that term loosely to describe the ridiculous hour of 4 am that I got up today) as I drove back to Omaha from Kansas City, I thought a lot about my last two weeks. And I came to one conclusion. The very best part of my life right now is that I get to be Aunt Rachel--the favorite aunt of 7 nieces and 7 nephews. (plus one more on the way). Yes I said favorite. No matter what anyone else thinks or says...I'm the favorite :). And it doesn't hurt that I have the cutest nieces and nephews. And over the past two weeks I have seen all but two of them (and those two boys I will see in a couple more weeks!)
But seriously. I LOVE being an aunt. Its the best role anyone could want. Who wouldn't love a three year old who looks up at you after you have helped her put together 4 puzzles--none of which had all the pieces--and went through an entire deck of flash cards and says "Rachel, I love you." Or a four year old who convinces you to get down the annoying toy that plays "We're the Monkeys" over and over,  but then sits and plays games with you on your phone during church (though I won't lie, being sneezed on twice wasn't my favorite). Or that same boy who keeps saying your name until he gets to show you his cool new toy. Or the middle school nephew who still gets excited to show you his incredible block building--I'm serious, I told him he should be an architect or something--it was that good. Or the 2 year old niece who still lets you hold her, or takes your hand and lets you push her around on the tricycle. Or the girls who are just excited to see you that they actually help you do some "work" because with Aunt Rachel, its not work, its fun!

So I am horrible with pictures. So the only ones I have is of them at my sisters wedding...and I am not in it--maybe thats why the boys are crying--they want their FAVORITE AUNT!

Friends.

Okay...I'm not going to lie. Sometimes being single sucks. In fact I have started several posts on how bad it sucks but then have decided I don't want to dwell on it or post too many negative things when I am trying to stay positive. So that being said I am SOOOO grateful for my single girl friends who just get it. If we talk about it--we don't have to explain WHY we feel that way, we just know. Don't get me wrong. I love my married friends too. You all give me hope! But my single friends help me not to focus so much on what I don't have and remember what I do have--because I have been quite blessed and have enjoyed many GREAT and AMAZING opportunities in my life thus far. So Thats it. I won't rant about being single. Just Thanks to those who help me remember the good things in life!

 A couple of those girls (this is an old picture--but I apparently don't take any pictures any more--and I don't have any with the girls I spent the evening with tonight that reminded me of this. I should work on that)

LET US REJOICE!

Its official. Summer is over. Now from most of you, that may bring a sigh of disappointment, and a dread of the winter season that will surely come. Not me. I am so happy summer is over. With work, summer tends to be ridiculously crazy. But now, my sales team has retired for the year--headed back to school and such--and my stress dropped from 600% to about a 60%. Nothing I can't handle. I did decide to take on a part time job after work. So I am now working 8-5 at the office, and will work a couple nights a week at Yonkers, a department store, in the shoes. I LOVE IT! 

Anyway, here is the announcement I promised from the last post. Aren't they such a cute couple?!

My new hobby.

Let me preface this post by warning you that I have never taken a graphic design class. Not one. However I have found it to be a kind of hobby. I may not be good. I may not know all the "rules." But I love coming up with an idea and seeing it take shape. So when Molly got married, I jumped at e chance to design her wedding announcement. She had a pretty good idea of what she wanted it to look like, so it wasn't hard to come up with some ideas. Here is what she ended up choosing. I thought it turned out not to bad for really my first announcement. I think Molly thought I was crazy, because with in two days i had about six different ideas for her to look like. She want simple, elegant and black and white. It was easy and fun. I thought it was just  a one time deal.

But...turns out I was wrong. A couple weeks ago some good friends from Kansas City asked me if I could help them out with their announcements. They were kind of on a time crunch as they are getting married in August. Not sure why they came to me...seeing how little experience I have and all, but I was excited to help. Tracy didn't know what she wanted just some thing "pretty" or "cool."  This proved to be more of a challenge, because I had to start from no ideas. Of course that was a challenge I was excited to take on and I started having ideas right away. Here are a few of the ideas I came up with. I won't post the one they decided on until after they the wedding and all. The picture also isn't the real one. Remember that these weren't chosen so they are pretty rough drafts. so they are far from perfect.

This was my favorite one of the ones that they didn't pic. (PS I didn't  include all the info on purpose) I loved the way the color looked here.

This is the front of the next one.

And the back.

Ok, this is the last one I will post tonight.

Front

and back. 

Well, there you go. My attempts at being creative. I hope you like!

Byers Motto

If there is one lesson I learned living with 5 sisters and two brothers, it would be how to stick to my convictions. We were  blessed with strong convictions and quickly learned to not let anyone take those from us. I may have learned this a little too well. What I mean is...we tend to think we are always right. In fact if in an argument we will argue our point until proven wrong. And even then--we won't admit that we are wrong but usually say something eloquent like "whatever" and change the subject.  Now, don't think that I am so self-aware that I figured this out on my own. No, my brother-in-law pointed this out one day after a few years of observation. After that, I found myself in that very situation...more times then I care to admit. I am trying to work on it. But a habit that is over 20 years in the making...its hard to break.

Case in point. My sister and I were planning on going to lunch with a friend. Molly asked where we were meeting. I let her know we were going to Applebee's over by the mall. Her response was "there is no Applebee's by the Mall, its a Chili's."I argued that there was no chili's but there was an Applebees. I know, stupid argument. It didn't last long as turned to my trusted friend Google. 

We were both right. There was an Applebee's and a Chili's. And they are right next to each other. 

So, when I saw this sign I couldn't help but think--this is our motto.

Omaha thus far.

I have now been in Omaha for 2 1/2 months. Its been a crazy, exiting, stressful adventure. I don't have a lot of pictures yet, but hopefully that will change soon :) but so far here is some of the exciting things I have done.

1.) Opened Echo Pest Control for business!! hurrah!

2.) Bought a brand new couch and loveseat (and got an awesome deal!)

3.) Walked across the missouri river (okay, I walked a crossed the bridge over the missouri river...not nearly as cool but still...)

4.) Convinced Molly and Jake to move out here for the summer.

5.) stood in two places at once (on the bridge over the missouri river stood on the iowa/nebraska state line).

6.) sampled some awesome omaha food at the Taste of Omaha fair (I now LOVE phillysteak spring rolls. YUM)

7) Saw swans for the first time ever.

8) went down a pretty cool slide (yes i know I am twenty seven...but hey...if you come to omaha you HAVE to try this slide. :)

9.)  Huddled in the rain to wait and see a minor league baseball game.

Thats pretty much the gist of it. I work a lot. I still haven't been to the zoo...which I am told is INCREDIBLE. So next time Meredith and Andrew come up...i am for sure going!
Well, thats it for now. Next time pics...no really!! I have molly here and we are going to go take some awesome pics. Can't wait!

Temple video!

Another video. This is pictures from outside the temple. The song is one of my favorite. Such sweet lyrics

****Update, for some reason I can't get the 3rd one to post, so here is the link.

A little hobby.

I did this video for my sisters wedding. It was a lot of fun to put together...but be warned, its kind of cheesy! I did two more (Reception and at the temple) I will have to post later.

My near disaster

Recently i bought these shoes to add to my vast collection of shoes. I love shoes. And these are on the top of my list. Thats what makes this story such a big deal...but then again...i am a Drama Queen.

This weekend I moved from Lee's Summit, MO to Omaha NE. The move we went well. But we did have one near disaster.

My boss moved me up here in his trailer. it was an open trailer, but the spent time making sure everything was secure...or so we thought.

My friend Allison and her husband Matthew came up to help upload, and while they were here we got a lot done. After they had left my mom and I were going through boxes and I had a startling realization. my box of shoes--a very big and very heavy box, was not anywhere to be seen. Every shoe I own--minus the tennis shoes i was wearing, a pair of flip flops from the day before and one pair of black dress shoes (that actually kill me to wear)--was in that box. Including my new red shoes that I had stuck in at the last minute. Needless to say, I panicked. I called Allison--she didn't remember seeing them. I called my sister and she went to my old apartment and checked. I let my boss know and he checked the truck. No shoes. I started calculating how much it would be to replace at least 30 pairs of shoes. Not a pretty number. Going from 30 pairs of shoes to 3 is something no woman wants to consider. I tried to not freak out. and just say everything would work out...but...i wasn't sure I believed it. My boss said he would take a drive today and see if by some miracle he could find them. I had little hope.

At 10:30 this morning, My boss called to tell me that he had found them. about 1o min north of saint joseph, mo (over an hour from Kansas City.)

I guess there really are miracles!

I found an apartment in Omaha. I guess this means I am really moving! In three weeks. EEK! Exciting and scary all at once.

my crazy life

As many people know, I have been drawn to church history sites. it all started with my call to Ohio and serving in the Kirtland Historic Sites. I sent eighteen months in the area and fell in love with the history.

Shortly after I got back, I found myself missing the area so much. so I started looking online and came across an internship in Palmyra, NY. I couldn't apply for it for about 8 months, but as soon as I saw it, I knew I wanted to go. So I applied and got the position. I spent the entire summer seeing the sites and playing (oh yeah and I worked at a hotel). I loved it! The history was great and I also found out I had ancestors from Palmyra!

After Palmyra, it was back to BYU-I for a semester--then out in to the real world I was forced. I had nowhere to go. So I moved in with my sister--who just happens to live in Jackson

County, Missouri. MORE CHURCH HISTORY!!!!

And I have loved it. I have been here for 2 years now, and I love the area. And the people.

So....you might be asking now....why am i blogging about this? Well, I am once again moving. Thats right. I am leaving Zion. Where am I going? Well...if you guessed Navuoo...you'd be wrong.

If you guessed the Salt Lake Valley...

you'd be wrong.

But if you guessed....Omaha (AKA...winter's Quarters) you'd be right.

I am beginning to wonder what it is I am suppose to be doing/learning in regards to all this history. I was told yesterday that I better watch out, the Lord must be preparing me for something...not sure what that something is....scary. I am beginning to feel that my life is mirroring the experiences of what the early saints went through in each area. (I have theories to back that up...but that might have to be its own post.) But what ever it is...I am headed up to freeze in Omaha in April. Should be fun!

Nothing like spring weather to make you feel better. Plus I have a fun flower in my hair that I made last night. Win.

HAPPENINGS of LATE

Recently (and by recently I mean two minutes ago) I was asked this question, "why do you have a blog when you have facebook?" If I am not using it...there is no point. So to ALL my blog readers...(who am I kidding...there aren't many of you I know....or any...not really sure) I thought I would give a brief update on the happenings of my EVER so exciting life. Well. I guess I should let you decide how exciting it is.

First off, I have moved in to my own apartment!!! HURRAY! I love it. Its small, but cozy. It is two minutes from work--which I REALLY love. But mostly...its mine! Don't get me wrong. I loved all (or most) of the roommates I have had in the past. had good times with all of them. But it was time to move on. Be a Real adult (scary right?) Now, I can stay up as late as I want, go to bed as early as I want with out worrying about disturbing anyone or being disturbed by anyone (well...except the neighbors upstairs...) I can have people over whenever I want. I have PLENTY of alone time...except for something I will explain in a minute...but thats my choosing to not be alone :) All and all...living alone has been FANTASTIC so far. But its only been two weeks....time will tell. Pictures to come as soon as I finish putting everything in its place :/

Next, I have been dating this pretty amazing guy. He's fun to be around. He's sweet and very thoughtful, smart and have I mentioned amazing? He's very musically talented, also great with computers (well he does work at a computer store after all) and all and all pretty terrific. We have been dating for about 3 months now. I do have pictures with him. We had a little photo booth session on Sunday. It was quite entertaining. If you want to see the random crazy pictures, checkout Facebook. Here is my favorite. Derek is awesome!!!! You see why I still don't have much "alone time?"

Life is short. Go on and live it.

We go through life thinking we are invincible. Bad things only happen to other people, and in other people's families. Not to me. Not to people I care about. Yet some how, life always has to prove me wrong. Those are the times you know there is only one source to turn to. Its then you really start to believe that miracles can happen--and you pray that you, or those you love, become recipients of a that miracle.

Today, I pray that my Uncle Gary receives the miracle he so desperately needs. And that his family is praying for.

Just another reminder that time doesn't ever stop.

This is my little brother. My baby Brother. I guess in a way, I still picture him being 12...yet somehow, he is almost nineteen. 19! When did he grow up? I have noticed that he got taller then me--but figured that isn't too hard. I may recall his voice getting deeper. I hear rumors that he's had girlfriends and gone off to college. None of that made me realize he is no longer twelve--though they were pretty big clues. What did it? Thursday March 25, my baby brother received his call to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for the next two years. He is going to

Anaheim California. He leaves in just two short months. So while I am attempting to get over the fact that my baby brother is no longer a baby--I am very proud of him, and the person he has become. I can't wait to see what great things he will do with his life and hear about all the people he meets in California. I love you Hyrum!