Bad Days

In this wonderful journey of infertility, I would say I have good days and I have bad days. or maybe its bad days and better days. Today was a very very bad day.
  I have it in my head that I am suppose to be the "shinning example" of someone who is struggling with this. By that I mean, I feel like I need to show that I am hopeful, have faith and a positive attitude. Maybe I succeed in coming across that way, maybe I don't. But the truth is...most of the time I feel like I don't have any hope, like my faith isn't strong enough. I had a complete meltdown.
  I read on a infertility blog that infertility makes you feel selfish. and lonely. and sad. and empty. (http://withgreatexpectation.com/infertility/thirteen-words-that-describe-my-experience-with-infertility/)
I went through all those . And that was just from the time I got home from work.and I will add....angry. Angry because....this isn't how life is suppose to go. Empty because I just feel like there is a whole in my heart. One that is bigger with every negative test I take. Selfish because when finding out a close friend is pregnant, a friend who also has some issues where she thought she would have trouble conceiving, but got pregnant fairly quickly, instead of being overwhelmed with excitement for her, I felt betrayed in a way (not by her, necessarily, just a general feeling of betrayal)...and worst of all...Lonely. no longer was she to be my support. Yes, I know she will be there for me no matter what. But she won't know the pain I have to deal with. So yes. I feel incredibly  selfish. and guilty for all these feelings. I NEVER in a million years would wish my friend to have to go through infertility and infertility treatments.
   Right now I am in another waiting period. This time to start the "Next Step." injections. I can't begin to tell you how scared I am. I am going to have to give myself shots. multiple shots. i hate shots. But I think Jared hates them more and couldn't stand the idea of doing them. so I will. this could be fun. I am realizing after today that I need as much support as I can get. So, if anyone out there is reading this, please, if it doesn't make you uncomfortable, ask me how I am doing now and then. I know its a touchy subject, and other people dealing with it may feel completely different and not want to talk about it at all. But I need to know that Jared and I aren't in this alone, that other people are rooting for us. I promise you I won't give you any unwanted details...cuz you really don't want to hear those.. Besides...its the emotional stuff that I need the most help with. I have wonderful doctors taking care of the rest of that stuff.
Thanks for letting me vent. Tomorrow I am hoping for a better day.

Driving myself crazy

Never have 2 weeks felt so long. I think I might be losing my mind.

This month, we did an IUI. (basically artificial insemination). We were told this makes our chances of getting pregnant much higher. But it is not a guarantee. We have to wait two weeks to test to see if it worked. Its torture. Seriously.

But let me back up.  This whole ride has given me a crash course in Female anatomy (never mind that I took Women's biology at college). I am learning more then ever, because I am learning what happens when the body doesn't work the way it should.

In March I did a dye test to make sure my tubes were clear. Right one, check, all is good. Left side...not so much. Not sure why, or what is causing the blockage, but its there. So basically, I will only get pregnant when I ovulate on the right side/and lucky me...i ovulated on the left that month. Sigh. Big disappointment. But what could I do. Wait. I hate waiting.

April comes around, I do a round of clomid. Head to the DR and, good news, I am ovulating on the right. But there is only one follicle. It only takes one I  know, but I have a feeling my Dr was hoping for more then one to increase my chances of the IUI working. But she scheduled us for the following day for the IUI. I was beside my self all day.

After it was completed, i was told to test in two weeks. So...here we are. in the middle of it. and I am going CRAZY. 

I am over analyzing everything my body is doing. if I feel a cramp, I am freaking out...but it could be a sign of pregnancy or a sign of PMS. HOW IS A GIRL SUPPOSE TO DEAL WITH THAT! And there is way too much information on the internet. I have to force myself not to Google ever "symptom" that I have. Because basically, it could go either way. 

2 weeks doesn't seem that long. Until you are waiting to take a pregnancy test. Then...it feels like a life time. 

Struggling to hope

William Dyce, The Meeting of Jacob and Rachel

I’m not sure if it’s just because of the name connection, but I have always felt a kinship with Rachel from the Bible. I find that her story is one to which I can relate.  

I remember a time when I was having a particularly hard time at school and my home teachers shared a message, and in the message they quoted the first part of Gen 30:22 “And God remembered Rachel.” Those words hit me with greater force than anything else had up to that point. I needed that reminder that God knew me and knew my name.  I mean of all the verses in the scriptures about how the Lord knows his children, they used the one with my name. It was powerful. And I began to study the story of Rachel and have felt a deep connection with her.  While her story is brief in the scriptures, I could imagine the life that she led and almost feel what she must have felt.

At the time I was single and longed for being able to get married and have a family. Rachel waited SEVEN years for Jacob. To me, that showed great faith and patience.  It helped in the way that I approached life as a “young single adult” and later as a “mid –single adult.”  When she finally married Jacob, I imagine that her joy was just as great as mine the day I was married to Jared (Our husbands names are even kind of similar!)

Now, I find another connection. Something that I never wanted to feel. Something that breaks my heart just as surely as it broke hers. Rachel called this her “Reproach.” Mine has the name of PCOS.  I found out a few months ago that I have PCOS, and this makes it more difficult to get pregnant. We had been trying to get pregnant for about 7 months prior to this diagnosis. I have been taking meds and getting shots for the past couple months in hopes to have a child. So far the results have been negative.  Every time I get that negative, my heart breaks.  I am constantly surrounded by people who either have babies or are pregnant. Sometimes I feel like Rachel. “And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.” I know that sounds dramatic “or else I die.” That’s what I thought when I read that years ago. But honestly, that’s what it feels like…like a little piece of me has died. Or a big piece.

Rachel’s life does give me hope. I see how she dealt with her pain and hope that I can cope as she did. While I will NOT be giving Jared another wife, I will, like Rachel try to find joy in the children around me. I get to teach some awesome young kids in primary. And still have a fun interaction with some of the kids I used to watch in Nursery.  And I will try to find patience through this trial. I’ll probably fail from time to time. Or a lot. But I will continue to try. It doesn't say how many years Rachel waited to have Joseph, her oldest son. But with all the children born to Jacob, I can imagine it was several years.   I imagine she lost hope and patience from time to time. But in the end her patience and her faith was rewarded.

As I was dealing with yet another disappointing day today, I reread the scripture that hit me so hard all those years ago. But I read the whole verse and the next one as well: “And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb. And she conceived, and bare a son; and said, God hath taken away my reproach.”

As I try to navigate through this trial, I try to remember that God knows me by name. And hope to have the faith that at some point, in some way, God will “hearken” to my prayers.  Rachel’s story has always been an inspiration to me. And now, it’s what is giving me hope.