In this wonderful journey of infertility, I would say I have good days and I have bad days. or maybe its bad days and better days. Today was a very very bad day.
I have it in my head that I am suppose to be the "shinning example" of someone who is struggling with this. By that I mean, I feel like I need to show that I am hopeful, have faith and a positive attitude. Maybe I succeed in coming across that way, maybe I don't. But the truth is...most of the time I feel like I don't have any hope, like my faith isn't strong enough. I had a complete meltdown.
I read on a infertility blog that infertility makes you feel selfish. and lonely. and sad. and empty. (http://withgreatexpectation.com/infertility/thirteen-words-that-describe-my-experience-with-infertility/)
I went through all those . And that was just from the time I got home from work.and I will add....angry. Angry because....this isn't how life is suppose to go. Empty because I just feel like there is a whole in my heart. One that is bigger with every negative test I take. Selfish because when finding out a close friend is pregnant, a friend who also has some issues where she thought she would have trouble conceiving, but got pregnant fairly quickly, instead of being overwhelmed with excitement for her, I felt betrayed in a way (not by her, necessarily, just a general feeling of betrayal)...and worst of all...Lonely. no longer was she to be my support. Yes, I know she will be there for me no matter what. But she won't know the pain I have to deal with. So yes. I feel incredibly selfish. and guilty for all these feelings. I NEVER in a million years would wish my friend to have to go through infertility and infertility treatments.
Right now I am in another waiting period. This time to start the "Next Step." injections. I can't begin to tell you how scared I am. I am going to have to give myself shots. multiple shots. i hate shots. But I think Jared hates them more and couldn't stand the idea of doing them. so I will. this could be fun. I am realizing after today that I need as much support as I can get. So, if anyone out there is reading this, please, if it doesn't make you uncomfortable, ask me how I am doing now and then. I know its a touchy subject, and other people dealing with it may feel completely different and not want to talk about it at all. But I need to know that Jared and I aren't in this alone, that other people are rooting for us. I promise you I won't give you any unwanted details...cuz you really don't want to hear those.. Besides...its the emotional stuff that I need the most help with. I have wonderful doctors taking care of the rest of that stuff.
Thanks for letting me vent. Tomorrow I am hoping for a better day.
